‘Don’t do it just before going to sleep’: how to have better sex

Messages about sex are everywhere: from advertising to porn to social media feeds. But rarely do they feel inclusive, consensual and pleasure-focused. I’m here to change that. My goal is to get people speaking more confidently about sex.

I spent five years teaching relationship and sex education to young people at the sexual health charity Brook, and while it’s vital these messages are communicated to teenagers, it shouldn’t start and end at school. Wherever you’re at in life, there’s always more to learn.

The underlying message of so much advice is, “Buy this, and your sex life will improve.” As we start a new year, I encourage you to spend time on your sex life, not money. This is about feeling connected and empowered through sexual play, not constantly pushing boundaries. Here are some ways to inject joy into your sex life.

Create an environment in which desire can thrive For most of us, this means somewhere comfortable and safe, where we feel able to communicate our needs (although if al fresco escapades are your thing, be my guest). Turn off your phone, try to put everyday stresses to one side, and if something’s on your mind, acknowledge it – to a partner, a friend, or to yourself. Communication is key.

The best quality for great sex is curiosity Be playful with your touch, and remember that not every movement you make needs to be mind-blowing. Consensual touch given with care and curiosity is always going to contribute something nice to a sexual experience.

Trying acrobatic new positions is overrated Variations on classics work far better than anything that’ll risk you slipping a disc. Rather than reinventing the wheel, think about the sensation you’re looking for (lots of bodily contact; room for direct stimulation), and choose a position that’s going to provide that.

Stop having sex just before going to sleep This actually comes from my mum, and it’s a gamechanger. If you wanted to get better at any other activity, would you wait to do it at the end of the day, when you’re knackered? Absolutely not. Evening sex can be lovely, but I (and evidently my mum) champion afternoon sex where possible – it makes things leisurely and indulgent.

Avoid chasing an orgasm I’ve been guilty of making sex so goal-oriented that I forget to enjoy all the stuff leading up to the grand finale. Try to avoid preconceived notions of what’s going to happen before you get started, and take the focus away from where it may lead – it’s best when you’re in the moment. Oh, and a penile orgasm doesn’t automatically signal the end of sex, OK?

Great sex involves lube: the notion that you shouldn’t need it is outdated and unhelpful I like to think of it as the ultimate sex toy, because whatever you’re doing, a good dollop of lubrication is guaranteed to change and heighten the sensation. If you’re not using it, what are you doing? And if you are, try using even more.

Believe in the importance of solo sex Masturbation is a space to indulge in your own pleasure and explore new sensations. If you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to feel as if your sexuality is tied to your partner, but it exists in its own right. Investing time to explore this on your own is a way of claiming agency over your pleasure. Plus, everything you learn can be communicated to lovers for better partnered sex.

Don’t sugarcoat the challenging stuff Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum: stress, parenting duties, mental health, body image, all this and more can impact our ability to feel desire. There’s a lot of difficult, painful stuff we have to wade through, which we can’t shy away from. It may sound counterintuitive coming from a sex educator, but it’s OK not to feel sexual; desire ebbs and flows – please remember to be kind to yourself.

And here’s the biggie: stop thinking about how you should be having sex, and focus on what you want out of sex and pleasure Provided it’s consensual, there’s no wrong way to have sex. Throw the prescribed messages about what you should and shouldn’t be doing out of the window, and focus on having fun.

• Sex Ed: A Guide For Adults, by Ruby Rare, is published by Bloomsbury.